The other morning Netti, Paul and I were sitting having coffee when the conversation turned to toilet paper. Netti was relating to us how she had been telling one of her work colleagues about my toilet paper obsession. You see; according to the way Netti tells it; our living arrangements are a little unique. We will always share our lives as a couple but; and I think this is the secret to our happiness; I live upstairs and Paul lives downstairs, so we each have our own sitting room and bathroom, which means no disagreements on what to watch on TV, how long one of us is taking in the bathroom and no toilet seat issues. Mind you, it never has been, with six females in the house Paul got pretty good at putting the seat down. He only uses the upstairs bathroom through the night, preferring to use the downstairs washroom through the day, mostly because it’s easier than going all the way upstairs, and since he is usually up early all his toiletries are now in there for the same reason. Which leaves me with the main bathroom all to myself. As for toilet paper, he is not as discerning; any old cheap stuff will do if it does the job is his motto; bet he’d still be using Izal if he could get it! I, however, have always preferred a decent brand of quilted toilet paper (the one with the koala) and used to bulk buy it from Costco. Netti maintains that I know to the exact sheet when a roll will run out and often wonders what will happen if I need to use more than the amount allotted for each visit. Do I compensate by using less on the next visit or do I not give a sheet and use the regular amount. I will admit that I do get a little issy if a roll doesn’t last as long as I think it should and I still have a regular moan about the yards and yards the grandkids use on each visit, especially since they all seem to prefer using my bathroom.

So why am I so obsessed with making my toilet paper last? I have, since childhood, been quite frugal with my toilet paper usage, something drilled into us by our mother and and grandmother; if we ran out it was back to using squares of newspaper which were threaded onto a piece of string and hung from a nail in the door. Not wanting to have to resort to this measure when the pandemic hit and we had The Great Toilet Roll Shortage of 2020 it became a challenge not to run out before the shops had a chance to restock their shelves. Fortunately I managed to stock up whilst Costco still had some 45 roll packs in stock which solved part of the problem. I reasoned that we should be able to weather the first couple of months of the lockdown sheet storm if we used our toilet paper sensibly and by sensibly I meant sparingly. By regulating my usage; I stopped using toilet paper as hankies and makeup wipes for a start; and restricting how much the kids in our bubble used, I managed to average one toilet roll per week (10 days on a couple of occasions before we had bubbles) which easily took me through the long months of lockdowns with plenty of toilet tissue and no issues. By continuing in the same vein I easily got through the second year of lockdowns and, even now that the whole covid thing is a distant memory, I still buy packs of 45 plus one 9 roll pack and use it sensibly, which means, even allowing for letting Netti have the odd one when she runs out, I only have to buy my toilet paper once a year.

But to return to Netti’s story. It all came to a head a few weeks ago when I returned from a week away. I know I changed the roll on the day I left. I remember this because I shouldn’t have needed to but, between Joey and my sister, the previous roll had disappeared with the speed of light. However, whilst the dragon is away the husband is sure to play. Paul decided he was going to utilise the upstairs; my; bathroom for the week. So when I returned home, fully expecting to find a full toilet roll, and found only the last few sheets hanging forlornly from the cardboard tube you can imagine my reaction. I stomped downstairs and demanded to know how he had managed to use a full roll when he never uses that bathroom! Half a roll I could accept, but a FULL roll? In seven days? As Netti cried with laughter and Paul tried to defend himself, demanding to know if he should have recorded each sheet used, my iss knew no bounds. I ranted on about MY toilet paper for a good ten minutes. OK so maybe I did get a little too worked up, I mean, it’s not as if there’s a shortage any more and I can buy as much bloody toilet paper as I want, but there’s still that element of challenge to see how long I can make my 45 rolls last before having to buy more.